What Every Community Requires: Emotional Maturity
Just by looking at the above photo, we intuitively comprehend what it’s attempting to convey. It’s about a world filled with rage and perhaps reflects the inner turmoil of the reader. It is everywhere these days, with numerous open venues for expressing itself.
The problem is that the contribution of everyone is necessary if a community is to have a healthy future. Yet just a cursory scan of social media reveals that it’s tough to come together when so many people remain angry. Heated exchanges, while functioning as something of a relief valve for inner turmoil, inevitably reduce us – individually and collectively – into something of a shell if it continues unabated. As author Louis L’Armour once saw it: “Anger is a killing thing: it kills people who anger, for each rage leaves them less than they had been before it takes something from them.”
Writer Niklas Göke, while reminding readers that, “We all grow, but not everyone grows up,” frequently talks about the need for citizens and their leaders to consider how all their vented retributions ultimately shred a community’s confidence and ability to come together. He goes on to talk about the five qualities of emotional maturity that we could strive for – together and individually.
First, they don’t run away. We all know what this is about. The majority of our challenges today are emotional ones and we frequently feel played and isolated. Unfortunately, such challenges make us want to escape, to flee, to break bonds and relationships in our rush for relief. Sometimes that’s necessary, but often it is merely a reaction to pain. Emotionally mature people don’t move off easily or chase distractions, but “stay with their discomfort until they are able to identify their emotions,” Göke writes, adding that this ability actually becomes an enabler for keeping one’s options open. In a moment of interesting insight, he notes, “We can accept our feelings without surrendering to them – and that’s exactly what emotionally mature people do.”
Second, they are committed to finding emotional clarity. This is vital. All too often we react to our emotions instead of acting sensibly on them. If we don’t do so, then there is no chance of ever figuring out why we’re struggling. We will always lay the full blame on someone else. Göke reminds his readers that psychologists call the skill of labeling our own feelings as emotional clarity – something we should all pursue. He adds that such people, “are committed to wading through the thick of discomfort until they emerge with real answers they can process.”
Third, they default to humility. This is never a popular message in the modern era, where it is seen as a weakness. But humility accomplishes two things for us: it enables us to assess the issues that trouble us and also keep us in the room, working out the difficulties and attempting to locate a better way ahead rather than just abandoning everything. Humility keeps us from becoming stubborn, from taking everything personally all the time. Emotionally mature people, “exert a great deal of empathy in working through their own feelings and support others in doing the same.”
Fourth, they maintain a sense of self-respect. They understand that they can cheapen themselves by forever reacting to situations rather than deliberating on them and working them through. They remain in control rather than losing it to the whims and actions of others. In a previous time, this would be called personal dignity. It isn’t about lashing out in self-defence all the time, but keeping one’s reasoning intact and working through problems rather than running away from them. As Göke puts it: “Emotionally mature people think about their pillars of self-worth often and make an effort to maintain them as best as they can.”
Finally, emotionally mature people take responsibility. Strange as it may sound, we’re actually doing that less and less, by insisting that others do it, but not us. “They understand the difference between taking responsibility and assigning blame,” the writer notes. So many social media posts reveal few apologies but endless accusations, and in doing so only add fuel to the fire. All of this vengeful language makes it virtually impossible to put things back together, which is actually what communities require at present. We are in silos, emotionally detaching ourselves from the greater good by sequestering ourselves only with those people who agree with us and are angry just like us. We look for affirmation for our anger and justification for our harsh vocal attacks. To quote Göke: “Emotional maturity is knowing you’ll keep meeting new situations where you’ll need to practice emotional tolerance until you find emotional clarity. It’s considering the past and the mistakes you have made, as well as the future and whether your self-image warrants sticking around and trying again.”
None of this is easy; virtually all of it requires the kind of self-restraint and self-discipline that provides us time to develop better responses. If we always merely react, then our communities become perpetually reactive and not deliberative. We need to put our heads together instead of bashing them together.
Niklas Göke is a young life coach who says that he writes for dreamers, for those who believe in a better and more collaborative world and their place within it. Given how our communities have grown divided and angry in recent years, his advice is timely, urgent even. Our modern problems require a maturity of character if they are to be overcome. It is a matter of personal development more than public blame and the sooner we get to it, the quicker can healing come to our communities and our individual lives.