The Uncomfortable Ritual of Reading About Yourself

We can't help it and we all do it.  As politicians we all follow our own press in the hopes that those who voted for us know that we are, in fact, active in our public lives and following through on our commitments. Other than public meetings or individual correspondence with constituents, the best way to get the word out is through the media.  We've all had our share of it, and at times we might not like the outcome, but we know it's a necessity in present times.There are those moments, however, when an article or photo appears that digs below your public persona and takes a more intimate look.  That happened this week when Maclean's magazine published a two-page spread on my struggles in Parliament.  I knew it was coming but wasn't quite prepared for the intimacy of it. But the writer did a very credible job of not only explaining my difficulties but also my hopes as a politician.Politics is something of a jungle where you are torn between doing the right thing and yet somehow staying in office and being relevant in your political party. More than that, you are torn between the local interest and the national interest, between the private good of the politician and the general good.  I believe the really good politicians have something else on their minds in Ottawa besides just thinking about the next election.  It takes a certain amount of personal courage though because our public self has to be faithful to our private self.  Political courage only works if you can keep your private self alive in a very public arena.Those seeking the public limelight for the sake of re-election get the queasy feeling likened to a butterfly that is pinned under glass, with no sense of habitat, genealogy or connection to nature.  The tragedy of modern politics is that we suffer so much to give such disconnected and lukewarm meaning to public office.

Overall the media has been kind to me in my life as a public servant over the last 30 years, but when the stories dig personally - and they should - it can be a tad embarrassing.  At least that's true in my case. And yet, in truth, I couldn't have it any other way.  My political life and private life must meld together lest I lose my way in Ottawa.  Missing my wife is something I must express or else I soon learn not to mention her and eventually live in private despair.  Bragging about my seven children and one grandchild is important (though I'm sure boring at times to my colleagues), yet it must be done because I have partly found my way in life because of them. Publicly struggling over my political life permits an intimate look for my constituents of how, in my desire to serve them, sacrifices have been made that at times are painful. Permitting the media to witness my personal disappointment at partisanship gone awry gives the citizen hope that what they are seeing is the same thing I am and that their instincts on this are correct, thereby keeping Parliament more accountable.

And so I read through the Maclean's piece with an abiding sense of embarrassment at being so vain as to quickly open the article to see what it said. Because it was so honest, I felt humbled and elevated in the same moment.  Why?  Because only by digging into my personal life; only by opening myself up to a journalist; only by risking the revelation of my flaws and strengths, did the story actually get me ... and get me right. It spoke of my tears and my hopes, my frustrations and flushed sense of pride at others in parliament who have found success.  Yet above all it did me the great honor of revealing that I cannot separate my private and intimate life of family and inner struggle, because I might lose my way as a public servant and become that butterfly under a glass. I remain deeply grateful to the journalist for being honest about me. More stories like this about politicians would personalize political life and make us more human again.

A final note - The title of the article - "The Last Decent Man in Ottawa" - jumped off the page at me and brought the greatest discomfort.  The reason?  Because it's not true.  I have been privileged enough to work with numerous MPs and ministers from all parties and I find them all to be faithfully "decent" and concerned with the doing the right thing. I write this as sincerely as I can because I work with these individuals every day and in many ways I am impressed.  The fact that I was more open than others about my inner struggles and very blessed personal life, doesn't make me more decent - just more open, that's all.