The Commons: Giggling towards the finish line

While the Prime Minister is away, Peter Van Loan will play

By Aaron Wherry, Macleans.ca

The Scene. Michael Ignatieff was laughing.

The Liberal deputy had just mocked the Conservative House leader for reading from prepared notes and then done exactly the same. This drew mocking cries from the government benches, which inspired Ignatieff to put down his notes, which brought even more jeers. Ignatieff broke a smile and permitted a chuckle, before putting his serious face back on and dispensing with the indignation.

If memory serves, the last few weeks of every school year were always a bit of a write-off. Some teachers attempted lessons, but the smart ones gave up and started showing us films of, say, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse. For all intents and purposes, summer vacation had already begun. Only out of obligation was everyone not already hanging out in front of the nearest convenience store.

So it is for this latest session of Parliament. The work is effectively over. Only no one's allowed to leave just yet.

(There are, of course, two glaring problems with this analogy. First, our Members of Parliament are paid to be there. And, second, they are responsible for running the country. In these ways, they differ greatly from the average eighth grader. But really only in these two ways.)

The Prime Minister, for instance, is in Germany, enjoying a little European vacation with his wife and the Environment Minister. The leader of the opposition, meanwhile, is touring the country, speaking to concerned citizens and chambers of commerce and the like. More than a few of their classmates appear to have done likewise, pre-emptively skipping off to the local Mac's to drink Slushies and scare old people.

All of which makes for some strange scenes in the House. Witness the opposition's surrealistic insistence on addressing the Prime Minister as if he were in front of them. Or the Liberals fielding a starting nine of Ignatieff, McGuinty, Brown, Pearson, Zed, Sgro, Merasty, Regan and Kadis. Or Peter Van Loan rising 13 consecutive times - certainly some kind of horrifying record - to answer questions on behalf of the absent Stephen Harper and John Baird.

Jack Layton tried his luck. "The Prime Minister's speech was very poorly received at the G8 by environmentalists and the international community. Quite rightly so... We wonder why the Prime Minister is trying to sell a false product to the international community? Why is he failing to keep Canada's word?"

But nothing was getting by the House leader.

"Monsieur le Président, c'est une curieuse question," Van Loan quipped in response. "There is not yet a speech at the G8 by the Prime Minister because it did not start until Wednesday."

Next it was Brian Jean, the parliamentary secretary to the Transport Minister, attempting to fill the void left by Baird's absence.

"Mr. Speaker, let us look at some of the things that the Leader of the Opposition did when he was minister of intergovernmental affairs for seven years," he said, pausing for some effect as he shuffled papers.

"You're a comedian," Ralph Goodale observed. "You're not looking very good."

"I am sorry, Mr. Speaker," Jean came back. "That is nothing, because nothing was done on that."

Later, Jean attempted a rhetorical triple lutz. "But I guess where one stands on an issue really depends on where one sits on it," he said of Dion," and he has been sitting on the flip-flop fence forever."

Actually, this was really more of a sow cow.

At one point, NDP MP Judy Wasylycia-Leis rose to quiz the government about Conrad Black and even she, otherwise a master of unhinged outrage, struggled to show interest. The best she could do was mention Bora Bora, a funny name that gave Jim Flaherty the giggles.

"Was that question about Bora Bora?" he managed between chuckles. "I don't know anything about Bora Bora."

Catching his breath, he put his serious face back on. But the Finance Minister was fooling no one. The time for serious debate has long passed and the Speaker might soon do everyone the favour of conceding defeat. Watching grainy footage of a bridge falling apart might not be all that educational, but it's at least more entertaining than this.

The Stats. The environment, 13 questions. Cities, seven questions. Arts funding, three questions. Africa, Canadian history, Aboriginals, the Atlantic Accord, electoral reform and Conrad Black, two questions each. Fisheries, student jobs and social welfare, one question.
Civility of the Day.

Making an obvious rookie mistake, Liberal Glen Pearson was positively diplomatic in questioning the government's commitment to Africa. "Last year the Prime Minister made some good commitments at the G8 towards Africa," he acknowledged with his first question. "I appreciate the response from the minister," he said to begin his follow-up. He should probably expect a stern talking to from Denis Coderre in the coming days.